Thoughts..
*Warning, long post.
I was pretty bored yesterday in camp. Nothing to do, on computer the whole day.
So I went through reading some blogs and ended up at my old blog. The blogspot one..
Well, I figure i’m quite a lonely person. Especially after throwing around those useless “friends”.
I saw some interesting things that brings out alot of memories.
First,
I was in love with pl. Well, I can’t remember why exactly but yea. I did have a thing for her once. It’s quite a news actually within our class. I don’t know. I still remember that night, even though I didn’t really blog it. The night where she told me, this can’t happen. She’s still too in love with her ex. Well, I remember I told her I wait. but one day, I found her blog and I realised, she really do love her ex alot and I won’t wait for her any longer. Well, they did get back together after a period of time. I not sure now what happen though. But I still remember, being very dejected and hurt. Well, I move on after awhile. A long while and I really did afraid to fall in love again till I meet S.
Then I remembered during year 2, I meet her, sweetie. By fate I guess. I was quite a chronic late comer. always come late for class. Well, during lab, i guess my lecturer have enough of me coming late and asked me to do make up class. And so the make up class, I was suppose to enter duranni’s class. But since shana was also doing a make up class cause she’s absent, I decided to just crash in into hers. Afterall, my make up class was just a “punishment”. Then I saw her, sitting down with 2 guys, (I don’t know them then yet) talking away. What capture my heart most was the way she smile, the way she concentrate, the way she laugh. And I’m so glad shana don’t really know me inside out or she’ll have confirm find out. I remembered looking around wondering if I know anybody else in the class. I want to know that girl. That girl with that amazing smile. Well, I was really fortunate to know that ashley friend in that class, and also shaheera. How lucky!
Of course, after that class, I asked lex who those 2 guys.
I remembered talking to samuel on msn everyday about her.
I remembered going into the canteen and the first person I’ll look out for is her. Well, she’ll always be at that seat or area if the canteen not crowded. The area closest to the pond.
I remembered staying back in the library, pretending to do work when my main purpose being there is just to look at her. That girl in the green or white jacket studying.
I remembered getting hold of her class timetable so that I could figure when she’ll be in school. And me being silly, will sometimes try to go school early cause she starts early. Not knowing which cabin she’ll be in, I take different cabin everyday just hoping that I meet her. Well, I got lucky once but since I jump around cabin too much, I didnt know which cabin was that.
I remembered when it’s kind of late and knowing she got night class but not in library, I attempt to look for her. Entering mac, going north canteen, e-plaza and most of the time, she’ll be in this places.
I remembered staying back late in school knowing she got night class when I obviously dont. And leaving around the time her class should end. Hoping I could bump into her and from there, thinking, maybe create small talk? Well, I never that lucky.
I remembered going to her table when she’s having group discussion, pretending to talk to shaheera even though my main motive is to look at her up close.
I remembered sitting down in the canteen and she walks in, and I start thinking, should I talk to her today? Like start talking, get to know her, but I never dared once. And sometimes, feel like kicking myself when she left.
I remembered me at home, finding her friendster (no facebook then), looking at it every now and then. Thinking should I add her?
I remembered being a frequent reader of her blog, after I found it. I got jealous when I thought she got a boyfriend. Like really bad. But that didnt stop me from still looking at her.
I remembered joining adventure race, telling azahar, let’s do this, maybe it’s fun. but my actual motive is, i want to get notice by her. I want to see her, she’s one of the organiser. I’ll get to see her.
Maybe I got lucky, she did start to notice me.
The way she smile back.. Ohh… it could make my day.
The way she say hi to me when we walk pass. but never anything else after the hi.
And I did remember saying once, hi aikim and she was like, “how you know my name?”
and I just blurted out, i’m stalking you and walk away. feeling damn scared. well, i did want to kick myself badly then. thinking, now she wont say hi to me anymore.
but that of course didnt happen. But I still didn’t get to know her before the year close. And I lost quite a number of bet, when samuel and lex, keep on telling me to get her number, asking her out but I didnt even do them. I just said hi to her. that’s all. and that only can make me damn happy.
Well, I did get to know her, when one of those days, I found her on facebook, thinking and deciding for quite a number of days, whether I should add her. And after pressing the add button, finding is there a unadd button. I was real nervous then. I was really scared to know this girl but I wanted to cause, I realise, I fall in love with her when I first saw her.
Every single date I know from nursing, I will ask whether they know her.
or start comparing, why that date smile didnt even give me that fuzzy feeling. unlike hers.
or why the way they laugh doesn’t even sound right. unlike hers.
then, after 2007 ends, I didn’t get to meet her anymore. or that what I thought then. and I did think of her regularly, praying hard I get to meet her again, and this time knowing her in person.
one of the thing that affect me the most was rx death. I still remember, my last conversation with him. we will chatting about games and he was asking me to study hard. something he don’t do, nag at me cause he know o receive alot from the rest of the girls. asking me to be nicer to the rest of the girls. not that I’m not nice but my can’t be bothered attitude really affecting them.
when I received that call that night from fifi, she was like crying. she hardly cries. I’m sure of it. she asked me whether I heard about the bad news about rx. and I thought.. ya, he fought with dr bala about our fyp project. we can’t get sponsorship. cant be that bad right?? well, she just broke the news.
it was terrible. rx was just like a bro to me. we spend lots of time together, sharing games, complaining about Odex. and being my adviser on life. he and Azahar, with rx usually giving the nicer pic of life.
I remember not living my room for days after that. just stoning around, having no idea whatsoever what to do. I just feel lost. even playing games remind me of him cause it’s from him. I do hope he find a nice place up there, he’s really a wonderful friend, a wonderful brother.
well, then prcp started. perhaps love work in a funny way. I was appointed the group leader, being the only other guy beside ts.
I meet S. I found her weird at first, maybe a little bit spoilt. I was just treating her like a colleague but we’re close since we share the same shift all the way.
I still remember how she took my number. she just dial it on my phone and conveniently dial it on hers. I really think nothing about it. and then comes the msn. and then her wordpress. it’s like she gave it to me easily. well, I really think nothing about it. if she’s busy for breaks, I get her a drink. and I’m just being nice. if she got too much work, I’ll help her. well, I really was thinking nothing about it. and honestly, I was having a crush on another girl in the ward.
then got 1 incident I make her damn angry. and I felt really bad about it. she blog about it. and I realize, does she have a thing for me? and I did realise, maybe that’s the reason why I feeling lousy. looking back at all the msn chats, the SMS. omg.. I think maybe I should give her a chance.
again, I was afraid to fall in love. I did after all got pretty much hurt before that.
prcp ended. we were going out. watching movies, having lots of fun chatting about everything under the sun. it was fun. but it was funny. can feel the love but I never once hold her hands nor hug her like a normal lover will. I was scared. I don’t even know where she stays.
after that particular night, few days before my bday, everything ended. at Henderson waves. after that night, I don’t even bring or go there anymore. when somebody asked, I just push them away. it’s a yearly scout thing to hike there, that year I didn’t go. my next visit there was with sweetie. and that’s a whole different experience.
After my birthday, we dont even go out anymore. I know she’s kind of dejected too. Sa,told me about it. even an idiot can tell. the way she drank the following night, via pictures, it tells alot.
Well, it took awhile for me to get over her, contacted her for a brief moment during medic course cause i got to know her close friend there and he seems to know about us.
I still remember there’s other girls who are interested in me like H or D but it’s just not possible. I know I can’t stand them in the long run. Looking their group of friends/character or maybe D cause of the curse. If I got no confidence in the rs, and if it’s not even possible, I won’t even start.
There’s still so much things I wanted to remember but due to laziness, I didnt blog.
Like how I remember how I got the courage to cover up for a friend during YOG. My friend got irritated by a para-counselor and asked him to go one corner in a rude way. I took all the responsibility, knowing it be such a big hoo haa if he took it instead. Well, no idea where the courage come from but I won’t definitely do that if it’s just me.
Maybe it’s the strength given when I was with sweetie. In fact, when I’m with her, my work kind of improve by alot. And I’m more daring to do different stuff, and to voice out more. I really appreciate her for that. And I love her for bringing out all this hidden quality in me.
Well, I not a person who forget stuff easily so i really do hope I dont get amnesia tomorrow cause I haven’t written some stuff down.
Hahas. Ok, this is a very long post. Scrolls up to warn people. Been writing this the whole day. Including in the train just now. LOLS!
