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missing you

I never miss someone this much before.
I really really miss her now..

Why does things turn out this way?
my heart feel like someone squeezing them,
my lungs feel like exploding.

I really wish i could meet her today. I wanted to.
I making myself free today.

just in case she call and say hello.

read this

hi sweetie!

i’m not sure whether you still reads my blog.

but by any chance if you ever bump into here, the post below is meant for you.

the password is the movie we watched together on the 12 aug before everything starts.

a single 4 letter word starring angelina jolie

Protected: For you,

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sick

still in bed right now, missing my silly girl badly.
yesterday was terrible. felt so sick. my fever escalate to 38.5 degree. mo decide to iv drip me before letting me go home. then I took cab home and knock out.

when in bed, all I have on my mind was her. how she was always there last time. now she’s gone.

when I was asleep, I hold my phone tight, just in case she text or call and didn’t realize it due to the medications.

when I woke up not realizing my phone is there, I panic. I never miss someone so badly till I fall sick. I never want to meet someone so badly or just hear her voice so badly that I’m so obsessive over losing my phone.

before I meet her, my ego is tremendously high. doing the things I want, or just doing things my way. now, I don’t mind doing anything nor everything just to be with her even for a single moment.

I really miss her badly. neither the iv drips nor the meds can cure this heartache.

all I want is to be with her again.

please grant me this wish, whoever that could answer my prayers.

I don’t want to continue living this life like this.

Life have been pretty sucky lately. I feel so stress and trap. With everything.

Her

My relationship problem have really been a big problem lately. Looking through those msn chat logs and past text messages, I miss those times we could talk without worrying it will become an argument or a fight. I miss those times where I could just look forward in talking to you, not worrying about anything else except controlling myself from not telling her that I love her all the time. Lately, everytime we talk, it will always lead to an argument where it will make both of us hurt. I’m tired of all this. I’m really am.

I find that she haven’t been herself lately. I could see that she’s forcing very hard to be someone not her. Her brain is telling her to do certain things, say certain things, but I know, her heart wont agree to that. It just hurt me so much. She have been saying all kinds of things to hurt me. But deep inside, I know, she still loves me. a lot. She may say that she’s misleading me all that. But deep inside, I know that’s what she really wants. To be with me. That night when I hug her, the last 2 days, I still see the real her in her.

I know that she’s pretty stressed up right now. With me, parent, school, work, etc. I know she feel trap too. Feels frustrated and just now, she even say she feels disgusted with herself. But you know, I just want to be beside her, be her listening ear, be her extra pair of arms and handle this stressor together with her.

Just now, when she said she was disgusted, I could actually confirm all this facts. Yea, she’s really haven’t been herself. Why would someone be disgusted with herself? You only be disgusted when you don’t love yourself, dont love the people around you and just did something that you don’t want to do. The more she say this, the more I feel, I shouldn’t let her go. This girl is really having a major confusion right now.

Yea, I may be stubborn, stupid, silly and an idiot to be still holding on. Her parent’s don’t approve of me yet. She giving up on this relationship. But you know diary, I’m still willing to hold on. I know this is what I want. This girl is the girl i’ve been looking for. I won’t mind if her parent’s hate me. I won’t mind if her relative treat me like trash. I won’t mind when I’m dying, the only person with me is her. I love onlyher. I want to be with her. Not her parents. Not her relatives. I’ve seen this kind of relationship up close.

My parents. My mum’s immediate family never like my dad. He been called names. There are times when my grandma wont even open the door for my dad when he came to see them. But my dad always say, “That’s not even a big issue. As long as I can see my wife everyday, I’m contented. I don’t marry my wife to see her mother.”

I know, if I choose to leave her now, I will live with regrets. Even if I date other girls, it won’t be unfair to them. I’ll just start comparing them with her. Afterall, it’s not like I “break” with her because I don’t love her anymore. It’s because of her parent’s wishes. I always believe in fighting for my own happiness. Yes, this wil be damn tough. yes, for me to seek approval from her parent’s may be impossible now. But you know, it will be all worth it when we pull this off together. I don’t believe in forbidden love. Only mankind forbid someone to love each other. If you love that someone, you go for it.

The best time of my life so far, have been with this girl. I want to make more wonderful memories with her. I want to take more couple shots with her. I want to do even sillier things with her. During the past months when I’m with her, all we had on our face were just smiles. Not like now. Our stress up face, our blank look. Being easily frustrated, throwing tamper all around. I don’t want all this anymore.

You know diary, everytime I fought or argue with her, I feel so painful deep inside. Why are we making ourself feeling so miserable? It’s just not me. It’s just not like her. We are good people. Everytime we quarrel, I feel so miserable inside me. I will ended up stoning or awhile. Sometime in tears, thinking why is this happening to us? Last time, it was never like that.

I don’t want to fight with her anymore.

I just want to continue loving her.

I just want to be there for her during this hard times.

Work

I’m going to ORD soon. But I just dont feel like I’m going to. Work has been pretty anal lately. People are trying to bring me down and step me all over. It’s not like last time anymore where the senior get respected. Not the ranks.

The older medics last time, when they reach this stage, they hardly do anymore duties. They dont even have much responsibility. Not like the current ones. We still do duties, we still have alot of work at hands. We still do tons of medical covers, we still deploy for unnecessary ops.

I feel so fed up with work. If this is a normal company, I would have tender my resignation long long time ago.

Studies

I feel so stress cause of this. I’m just afraid that with their new admission criteria, I need to delay my degree. I don’t want to delay anymore. I want to finish this asap.

Sigh.. I thought at least this can go right. But again, I was proven wrong.

But I still going to try applying. See how it goes.

thoughts

I am in bed right now, on a Saturday afternoon.
thinking, thinking about her.

she came into my life, and now, I’m losing her.
I’ve been thinking. what have I done to lose such a wonderful girl?

since before I know her personally, she have always been someone I look forward to know. to be with. attracted by that sweet smile, I fall in love with her. I still remember how I will look out for her at her usual spot when I entered the library or canteen. how I will figure out her timetable so can just have a guess where she is at that period of time.

I still remember how jealous I was when a good friend of mine knows her and in fact, act like being close to her. I still remember how I join some competition in school just to get notice by her. not like she didn’t notice me, even at my most depress moments, a smile will never fail to be reciprocate when she smile back at me. even for a brief moment. I was happy, just to see her then. I even called her my lucky star. telling myself, when if I see he for that day, I would be the luckiest guy for that day. some days when I’m down, I will even walk around the school just to hope to bump into her.

days goes by, school ended. well, I get to know her. the amount of courage this timid me then take to muster just to ” add” her on facebook. oh, did I mention? I did a search on her friendster and found her way before but just couldn’t click the add button. afraid she’ll go wtf is this?? I’m always having this weird thoughts about strangers then.

we did get to know each other, we even went out once. watch a movie, take a look at her purse and go home. I still remember that day just as clearly as if it’s just yesterday. it’s not like I never go on a date with girls before or just turn from gay to straight. but can you imagine?? going out with a then 2 year crush. alone, for the first time. it’s superbly nerve wreaking. glancing at her in the dark, during the movie. I know during that time, wishing the movie which I have no clue about will not end. and I still remember, leaving her just like that after the movie. and I know I felt like kicking myself in the ass. only if my leg is long enough. we stop contact after that. thought it will be over.

well, after that incident, it just mostly hi and wad u been up to and bye. all till.. last year July.

I got free syog tickets and giving it away. I asked fifi, I asked ying wen, baox, and so many close ones. all seems not to want it. and I still remember, I was in bed in camp lying down when I see her name. I thought, why not ask her and see if she wants it? and I wait.. till her reply. nope! she don’t want it. she’s on night that day. and so, I casually asked her out. and one joke lead to another. well, it’s not really a joke. I still remember. the message that day. even though it’s long being deleted from my phone.

she: why you want to date me? you like me is it?

me: I don’t mind dating you, I been having a huge crush on you.

from that, many other message start to come in. telling me about her ride on the flyer all that. if not for my strong sternum, I bet my heart will have jump out then. and I still remember the next few days. when I want to start a SMS convo with her again. I still remember one particular moment. I was booking in to camp. I retype the text like 3/4 of the journey. and forcefully press the send button. not because I was eager but because I was damn afraid. afraid that the things wont work out and she’ll freak out. one message lead to another and we decided to meet.

the exact same scenario, this time round after her night class, for a movie I never dream of watching.

I still remember, 12 aug 2010. I was standing at somerset mrt. trying to look as relax as possible. but deep inside, a nervous wreak. going crazy. this time, thanks to my skull for putting my brain in place. if not I bet it be spinning round and round and round.

The way she drags her feet and straighten her back when she walks, the smile on her face, her hair, everything on how I used to remember her. she’s still that same girl I like 3 years ago. and I still remember the walk and the everlasting escalator in cineleisure. I so much avoid eye contact. afraid that I will blush. somewhat at that moment, I know she waiting for me to make a move especially after those sweet sms. the way she looks at me, the way she adjust my sleeve. the way we try not to make walking to the cinema awkward.

I still remember the first time I hold her hands. she was “complaining” she was cold. I touch her wrist and quickly grab her hand. it was amusing to begin with. and how she adjusted our hands. my first time holding a girl hands. holding a hand someone I love alot.

we somehow ended up at orchard central rooftop garden. our first hug and kiss. we chatted the whole night. about our past. about the crushes we had. I told her everything about my long crush with her. that night, it was special. I never talk or share with someone so much before. telling my secrets. things I don’t tell people. I got so much trust and faith in her. I’m not the sort who trust people easily but her, I could just say anything.

that was the start of our relationship. she came to my life when I was at most stress, with work. but with her, I could just hang out and breath out and chill. it was amazing.

those fun times we had together, at chinese garden, watching lots of movies together, sentosa, cable car, luge, shopping and so much more.

I still remember that time when she was away in taiwan for 2 weeks. I was exceptionally worried. Cant sit still, checking if there’s any new message from her via facebook or gmail. I remembert telling her I’ll be fine but in actual fact, I’m not. And I still remember how I keep looking out for the news about the typhoon. Wondering will she be affected. Praying hard she’s not in the area. How much I countdown just to see you safe and well again.

I still remember how i was there for her when she need someone most, being depress at work. I still remember how people tell me how much i’ve change to someone better ever since im with her. afterall, behind every great man, there’s an awesome lady.

Always looking forward to booking out to see her. Can’t wait to get out of army, so that I can spend more time with her. I still remember that time when she was really really sick and I can’t do anything about it. It’s kind of frustrating cause there she is, my girl almost dying and me, stuck in camp and can do nothing about it.

I treasure her alot with everything i have in me. I love her not because of her smile, not because she’s pretty but because,
she’s the one I can not worried being myself.
she’s the one that know the real me and love me for being who i am.
she’s the one I trusted most, the one I put my faith in.
she’s the one I know my heart been looking for.
she’s the one I know I can count on when I’m feeling down.
she’s the one I’m willing to go all out with, doing small things just to make her happy.
she’s the one which I never get bored with trying to surprise but always fail miserably because my actions are well predicted by her.

Even when she was scared and guilty about her parents finding out about us, to them actually finding out about us, i preserve. My love for her wont just disappear like that.

I know about her parents worries. About the traditions, beliefs and whats over. I’m not going to take away that from her nor her parents. I’m not going to change her to be someone that fits me perfectly. I’m not going to be that someone that not her.
It’s all seriously up to her. Not my decision, not her parents decision.

I’m not saying that she should defy her parents and live in guilt her whole life. I know her parent been forbidding her to go out with me. I know her parents will disown her if she bring home a malay guy.
I don’t want that to happen too. Afterall, it’s her parents.

All I ask for is, for her to go through this hard times together with me and just follow the flow. For us to persevere through this hard times together, as a couple. To show the world, that she the one i wanted and i the one she wanted. No doubt it going be hard but, I believe if we put alot of effort, we can pull this through together and come out as a stronger one, a couple where both of us will really cherish each other. It may take 5 years, 10 years or even our whole lifetime to convince them but I know, one day, we will be able to convince them. I just want her to continue holding my hand and go through this hidden path with me. As long, I get to be with the girl I love so much, it’s ok for me to wait for their approval. Afterall, it’s not her parents im seeing. it’s this girl I love with all my heart and soul.

Nothing will come easy in this world. I know, this will not be easy. I know this will put on alot of tremendous stress into us. To her and me. It will never be easy. I wont lie to her about this. Miracles only happen to those who didnt give up.

This few days, after she’s slowly leaving me, I have not been myself lately. I really want to be with her. She really means alot to me more then I think of. My love for her is more then I ever know.

Even for a moment now, I wish I can be with her again. Just like old times.
I really miss this girl. She’s all I ever wanted my whole life.

Sweetie, I dont know how frequent you look at my blog but just to let you know, my love for you didnt begin 5 months ago. It all started off when I first saw that sweet girl smiling beside eera. And that girl is you. Nobody could replace you. I’m sure of it.

I do hope you stop restraining our love for each other and just let it flow the way it is.

I really do hope that one day, we can be together again.
I don’t want to have a good or bad ending. Cause I never want an ending in the first place. In you, I can see my life, living together with you till we are old and rotting.

I dont want to lose a partner, a buddy, a lover, a companion, and my other half.

I love you. <3
My everlasting love for you.

Don’t be afraid to text or call me cause I will always be waiting for them.

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